The past is never over

So, lately I have been seeing some things posted on Facebook that have definitely felt like personal attacks at me.
I don't care to say by whom, or go into detail about what was said.
But lets just say that the jest of it is that I am lazy, and entitled, and don't provide for my family because I've chosen to accept state assistance to do so. Apparently this makes me less of a parent, and contributing member of society.

Anyways, I just felt that I needed to get some things off my chest regarding this. And make the very general statement of: you don't really know what you're talking about, so next time, ask first, and bitch later.

It was said by one person something close to they would rather die than feed their family with food bought on food stamps.

Here's the deal, if you knew me when I was younger, you probably still would not know this about me, so I'm going to say it now, listen up.
I grew up in a large family, a family that struggled every damn day for everything that we had, and then some. Because not only did my family struggle to provide for us, we gave to those who were also in dire situations like that too, with open hearts.
My parents REFUSED to go on government assistance when I was a kid. They HAD been on it before I was born, but decided to never go on it again.
I grew up with a huge prejudice against the government programs and those on them.
I also grew up in a family that because of this, struggled to put food on the table, didn't always have a place to live, or know when or where our next meal or place to sleep would be.
I have lived in a tent, a car, a motel, a hotel, a relatives basement, a friends RV in their driveway and so on...
I have BEEN to the bottom of the pits, I have. I have had to hide my shame of those things from family and friends my whole life.
And I am not about to make my children know that pain and suffering.
I had to swallow a huge amount of guilt and pride and suck it up and realize that if I put my kids through that same hell, then what kind of parent am I?
My parents' pride got in the way of them seeing that their kids needed them to be able to just grow up and admit they needed help.
On top of the things already mentioned, when I was 14, I got a job, at minimum wage, which then was $5.15/hour... I worked my ass off, I worked all the overtime I could legally and then some. Both during school, and summer months.
I had to help support my family at 14. With my measly pay. I really did not have a choice when you look at it. I was not stupid. My family needed things, and I had the means to provide them.
I fed and clothed my family, not on my own, but I aided my parents' in doing so. As well as paying for fuel and shelter.
All the while knowing that I would never be repaid. Which was not a concern of mine.
But the part of that which never crossed my mind then, was that all this money that I was supporting my family with at that time, was what should have been saved for now... I did not think of  "tomorrow" when "today" was what needed to be dealt with.
So yes, I made "poor" decisions that led to my having to suck it up and ask for government assistance.
I take full responsibility for that. And I am doing what I know is in my power to better myself to get off of it.
I apply for jobs on almost a daily basis that would pay me better than my current employment.
I look for ways to make extra money in whatever way I can. I do online surveys to try and earn a few bucks. I try to sell things I no longer need, I try to cut back on the things that my family buys.
I try to shop sales... Anything I can to make it work.
If I could find a way to make it work out for me to have another job, or a job with different hours, I would do it.
Especially if it payed better than what I currently have. But I have not found a way to make it work out for me.
I have 2 small children after all, and daycare around here is typically only between 6am and 6pm... and it doesn't work out. And me not getting home till 6am from a 3rd shift job doesn't work out either when I'd be unable to take care of my kids then when I got home because I'd need to sleep when they would be needing me.
SO... once again, ask questions before you bitch, and if you've got all the fucking answers, feel free to share them. I am not simply a lump on a fucking log here Friend. I am doing what I can, I just don't feel the need to broadcast every move I make to the entire world. I am not like that.
I would love to not be on the assistance, believe me I would.
And as for the entitled comment... Damn straight I'm entitled. I am entitled to the hours and shifts that I have busted my ass for at my current job. And until I have found something better, damn straight I'm going to keep those. Besides, there isn't any other shifts available for me to work at my current job anyways.

So there you have it. Yes, I am on government assistance. Yes I have put food on my table bought by food stamps, and taken my child to the doctor with the aid of state health care...
Instead of making my family go hungry, and their medical needs unattended.

And if you think that I am proud of it, or that I don't feel guilty for even so much as going to Culver's for a shake once in a while... you don't know me at all.
You also don't know then that even in the position that I am in, I still go out of my way to help those that I know need help, and to help those that will never know it was me, and to give back in any and every way I can.
I am not a person who is comfortable with being looked upon like a charity case. I am not a charity case.
I am a Mother, who will not allow her children to go through the struggles that I have done my very best to block out of my memory... and because of the way I have been treated lately I can't help but relive all that pain day after day after day... I buried that shit a long fucking time ago, and never wanted to see it again.

The past is never over, it's still there in our memories. Painful, joyful, hurtful. The past is always there.
It's how we treat those around us, those we claim to love, those we call our friends, those who don't know us at all, this is how the past helps shape our tomorrow.
By our actions today.
So, the next time that you (meaning anyone reading this) want to judge someone... how about you eat a nice big helping of some humble fucking pie instead. Try turning those beedy eyes on yourself first.

Diapers and leftovers

So... I have to be honest... I LOVE cloth diapers... And while I had the majority of mine lent out to my friend Sam to give a try, I was having fiendish withdrawals.
No joke.
Aubrielle was suffering from an ongoing yeast rash (since BEFORE we even left the hospital) and had to go on prescription creams to get rid of it.
Oy, that's a whole other story all in it's self right there... But the timing was perfect since Sam was home from work for 2 weeks and was wondering what she was missing with the whole cloth diaper trend going on, and wanted to test them out and see if she'd be willing to go for it.
I'm happy to help. Especially since the timing was perfect.
Couldn't have worked out better.
But, alas, it took forever to get babe's rashy bottom to clear up. Poor thing. Her tush was finally looking as beautiful and pristine as a newborn baby's behind should. *cue trumpets* I was actually about to ask Sam for the diapers back because I was fiending so badly, and because I knew she had her fill and said she was done with them and had decided that no matter the savings, she just couldn't stand to use cloth diapers.
I am thrilled that I was able to help her come to that conclusion by trial and error rather than by assumption.
For those of you that know me well enough... so probably just myself here, since there's really only like 1 person that ever reads my posts, if that anyways at this point in time... I really do not like assumptions. I do my very best to avoid them. Period.

Anyways... Back to the diapers... I was about jump up and down squealing happy to have them back... :)

And I've actually finally tonight decided to stop being a lazy ass and get those new prefolds that I've had since BEFORE Aubrielle was born (now 3 months old) prepped and ready to go... Though I know it's not going to make that big of a difference because the thing that I need more of is the covers/pockets etc.
I've got the material, and patterns to sew my own... I just don't have the time, or the workspace since my machine and sewing table have become the dumping grounds for anything that is homeless within the house... Bummer... well I don't have ALL the materials, I still need a snap pliers because I can't put the snaps on by hand, and I don't care for the Velcro closure for my cloth diapers.
It is much faster and easier to get the correct size, but it totally eats everything alive in the wash machine.

ahhh... so, in all honesty, I keep rambling on and on about my diapers and that because I'm tired as all hell, and I want to go to bed, but I need to put away the leftovers from dinner... however I am too lazy and don't want to deal with it, I also have a sink piled full and then some of CLEAN dishes that need to be rinsed off yet and stacked in the drainer, and I don't want to deal with those either... not to mention all the baskets of Clean laundry that needs to be folded/hung and put away... the worst part of laundry, and the prefolds in the wash that I need to toss in the dryer and keep prepping since this is only their first wash.
ugh... I think I'll start with the diapers in the wash... and then go from there... gah...

But... speaking of tonight's leftovers... HOLY heart attack batman! Elaina asked for SECONDS! She's been on this kick of not eating... even going to bed with no dinner because she just refuses to eat, and she asked for seconds. I made meatloaf, and instant potatoes that weren't that great... (Josh really made them not so much me, I dr'd them a little, he can be a little handicapped for boxed foods, not the worst thing.) But I was/am thrilled with that. This is the first time since her being so violently ill (as was I) that she's actually eaten halfway normal for her. I am soo soooooo happy that you don't even know... I tried something a little different this time, I used a package of cornbread stuffing, threw it in the chopper to mash it extra fine and did my usual steak sauce instead of ketchup and it was pretty freaking fantastic if I do say so myself... My meatloaf is usually pretty amazing though... <3... I was a little weary of the cornbread stuffing, I saw it on Pinterest though so since I had it in the pantry I figured what the heck.
well, as much as I would rather keep dawdling and procrastinating those dreadful tasks I mentioned not wanting to do.... I really just want to get to bed and can't till all but putting the laundry away is done... though I could potentially leave the clean dishes in the sink till morning and just rinse them really well with hot water.... tempting... we shall see.